I like to think of life as a novel. With juicy reveals, twist and turns. Sometimes there are happy endings and sometimes there isn't.
I read a book not too long ago about a second-generation American who had trouble being the father and husband he wanted to be. There was a lot going on in the plot because it included his parents' culture, a crime/action side-plot and the main characters own generational trauma playing out in his family dynamic. The end was very pensive and melancholy; something I don't experience often in the literature I choose to read.
The aspect of the book that hit me hardest was the depth of the flaws that the main character had. He wasn't too young to understand life. He had a child, he was a professor. The author didn't try to hide his ugly parts and didn't display them for us to be jarred at either. He was very human; a very flawed human. Something that I don't feel we admit to often enough. We are humans, and most of us, very flawed humans. Hiding our flaws will never bring us closer to perfection. In fact, looking at our imperfections and influences laid out in the scars on our skin is the most honest and fast route to peace, comfort and progress.
January 2020 came to me slower than most years. Something I can't usually say for the years before. This year was quite confusing and painful for me. I had so many problems and questions for myself that I found it hard to process away like I usually did. I made a lot of decisions this year simply to compound the mental debt I owed to so many different channels and streams of myself. I did make them to move away from my problems but just to put them in perspective.
For the first time in a long time, I don't have a good excuse for my behaviours and my indecision. I don't have a good explanation for why I need a break. I don't have a good explanation for the next few steps I'll make. All I know is, I'm seeking comfort and equilibrium between my ever-growing and unquenchable need for progress and success and my over-taxed and crying body begging me to sleep through 2020.
As young people, plagued with overconsumption, exposure and generational pressure we feel way too compelled to display our convictions. We need to be seen and appreciated. We need people to believe in us for us to believe in us. We need so much because we have such a skewed image of what it means to be functional.
Make life simpler. Make decisions simply because, you want to. Stay true to your core values. See yourself before you see anyone else. Minimise your expectations from others, and maximise your respect in yourself and your journey. Your novel will right itself. It will reflect your flaws, raw and ugly. It may pause and draw out the worst in your memory, but it is your responsibility to bring the plot towards the positive. There is nothing that someone else can do for you that will change the tone of your life. No amount of money, success, dreams- your happiness is made by your appreciation of yourself, your journey and your flaws.
How will your novel read?